Lesson 18. Get Comfortable With Uncomfortable Conversations.

A colleague of mine passed away this week. Utterly tragic, gone long before he should have gone, he’s left a big hole in many peoples’ lives. It’s really sad and the whole company has felt the shockwaves, but one of my first reactions on hearing the news, was to reach out to his team, seek out the people he was closest to and offer them my condolences.

Why? Because I know how it feels to receive not just bad news, but horrible, life-changing news. To feel so sad that you can’t speak. To feel helpless and hopeless, not knowing where to turn or who to turn to. At times like that, we need people to reach out to us.

Around 10 years ago, following a routine surgery, I was called back to the hospital. I thought it was for a quick check up, but the news that followed affected the rest of my life. They had found a cancerous tumour in my body. I was speechless, literally unable to speak. It took me a long time to process; going through various stages of sadness, determination, helplessness. And it’s at times like that, when you are at your most vulnerable, that the people who really care, who really give a shit come to the fore. And, sadly, those who don’t care, fade away.

You see, everyone handles bad news differently. Some people want to talk about it. Others don’t. But if you don’t offer a friendly ear, then there’s no talking at all. You may not have all the answers. You may not know anything about it. But just being there to listen can mean the world to someone going through something they don’t know how to process.

And so, for the last 10 years or so, I’ve made sure that I get myself comfortable with having uncomfortable conversations. Because being there to listen to someone who is going through a shitty time, isn’t any where near as bad as actually going through what they are. Very few people approach these subjects head on, and I’ve found that by having these conversations, it’s really deepened my relationships with good friends, and also with people I’ve known less well, enriching my life too!

Because a short period of discomfort, of putting ourselves out there and saying “I’m not afraid to have this conversation with you and I’m here for you, whatever you’re going through” can mean the absolute world to someone and can be the difference in helping them overcome whatever it is they are going through.

So the next time a difficult, or uncomfortable situation occurs, rather than ignoring it, or just passing pleasantries, attack it head on. Let that person know you are there for them and don’t be uncomfortable about it. You’ll make a huge difference.

Lesson 17. Gratitude Is The Right Attitude.

Two little words… “Thank You”.

That’s all it takes to really brighten up my day. Two simple, powerful words that mean so much.

One of my biggest disappointments in life happened a few years ago. I’d had a girl in my team for whom I’d given more, both professionally and personally than I’d given any other team member. She’s moved South for the role and I went massively over-and-above to try and ensure she was happy. This included enabling flexible working so she could be closer her family, standing up for her after a huge error to ensure she didn’t lose her job, arranging for the company to pay her travel home to visit her family, being called on a number of occasions while she was in tears and providing a friendly and listening ear, and even giving her cash from my own wallet to buy flowers for her mother who was sick. Very few managers (I believe) would go so far for an employee, and very few employees would expect it.

I didn’t do it all for kudos, or for thanks. I did it because it was the right thing to do. Because I wanted her to be happy and settled during a time she was clearly struggling with. Because I wanted to be kind and show her that I cared. After a year with us, she left, having got another job back up North closer to her family. And on the day she left, she walked out the building and just said “ok, bye.”

“Ok. Bye.” That was it. It made me feel awful. Had I not done enough? Had I not tried her enough? What more could I have done? Two little words, the difference between making someone feel their efforts for you are not enough, or letting them know you appreciate them. Like I said, I didn’t do it for the thanks, but in that moment (and still), I felt very let down.

This week, out of the blue, I received a message from one of my current team thanking me for being an inspirational leader. I hadn’t done anything particular, it was unexpected and off-the-cuff but it brought a tear to my eye. To be thanked. To be recognised. To be appreciated.

Often, it’s the big things we thank people for. But it’s important to remember the little things too. Or even the on-going things that maybe get forgotten.

Thank you for listening to me.

Thank you for making me smile.

Thank you for just being there.

I think it’s a huge part of the human psyche that we want, we need to be appreciated. The validation. The value of a ‘Thankyou’ is never depleted, you can say it again and again and it will mean as much to the recipient. Whether at work, with friends, in our relationships, or even with strangers. For something that means so much, it costs nothing… but two little words.

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Lesson 16. Never Give Up. But Know When to Quit.

I’ve always told myself ‘I’m not a Quitter!’

A lot of this stems from my family history and the hardships my ancestors had to endure. I always told myself that, I’m the modern world, my life could never be as hard, tough or difficult as theirs and if they managed to get through, then I should absolutely be able to! It’s led me to a number of situations, both positive and has made me realise there is a difference between quitting and giving up.

As a frequent runner, sometimes I have good days and bad days. Sometimes, the miles just disappear beneath you and you have energy left to burn. Others it’s a real struggle to even get started and, there’s always a temptation to finish early or not go out at all. I try to self-justify it with ‘I’m too tired’ or something or other, but the truth is that I made a plan, that is achievable, that I have control over, and I’m giving up. I then remind myself of my tough-ass forebears and get my sorry ass out the door, or to the finish line I had planned pre-run.

But sometimes, there are situations when it’s ok to quit. Where actually, stopping and aborting Is the smart thing to do. It’s often much harder to see this point. I often watch deluded entrepreneurs on Dragon’s Den who have sunk everything they have, risked their family home and the investments of friends and family into what is just an awful idea, awfully executed and think to myself ‘I wish they’d realised the quitting-point much sooner’.

Quitting is something we do when we don’t have control over a situation. Another great ‘quitting-point’ can be in a conversation or argument. You have no control over what the other person or party says or does and so you need to realise what the eight ‘quitting-point’ is for you and when to bail out for a better result.

In examples like Dragon’s Den, the quitting-point can be hard to see because we believe we are in control of the circumstances and thus quitting would be giving up. But we aren’t in control of funds we don’t have, we aren’t in control of other people’s perceptions of our brands or products and sometimes we just have to admit that it may be a bad idea.

So, whilst I’ve known for a long time that I’m the type of person who never gives up, more recently I’ve come to realise that sometimes, if circumstances are beyond my control, it’s ok to bail out, to quit for a better outcome.

Lesson 15. Stop Trying To Hack Everything. Learn, Practice and Do It.

#LifeHack

You see this hashtag appearing more and more. All the great ways you can ‘hack’ difficult tasks in life. Sometimes, they can be helpful like ‘How to repair a puncture with a piece of chewing gum’ or ‘using vinegar to repel mosquitoes’. But increasingly (and somewhat despairingly), I’m finding they’re becoming ways to avoid learning how to actually do important things.

My 7 year old son recently told me that he could #LifeHack his shoes, tucking the untied laces under his foot – rather than doing the laces. I told him in no uncertain terms that he wouldn’t be able to tuck the laces under forever and that at some point, he’d need to put in the effort and learn how to tie his bloody shoe laces! I mean, what happens when he needs to tie the cord on his swimming trunks? He won’t be able to tuck that under anything and he won’t want them floating off in the swimming pool!

I know modern life is frantic, busy, and we all need to try and claw back as much time as possible. But for some things, there are just no life hacks – you need to learn, practice and just do it.

Lesson 14. People Do Change And It’s Ok To Change Your Opinion Of Them

We’re all homosapiens, intelligent beings with a hint of animal instinct. And what that means is that we think, we develop and we grow mentally. Our thoughts, values and beliefs can change. We don’t remain static and hopefully the direction of that growth is positive and changes who you are as a person in a good way as you go through life.

I know that, since I was a teenager and began to self-realise, I have changed dramatically but I look back and think that the ways in which I’ve changed have made me a better person. Of course, circumstances can change us too, for example, having young children has perhaps taken some of the ‘daring’ and ‘fun’ out of my personality, but I wouldn’t necessarily se these as bad changes. But overall, I’ve learnt and worked hard to be kinder, more empathetic, a better listener and calmer in difficult situations and I think I’m a better person for it.

But as we change, for good or bad, people may see us differently and that’s ok. And it works the other way around too, the way that you see the people in your life may change. This is especially prevalent with people we’ve known for a long time, perhaps especially since that time of raging teenage hormones and the beginning of our journey of self-discovery.

I have a friend whom I’ve known since my mid teens. He was always really kind and thoughtful, and there for me… and hopefully he felt the same about me. In the last few years, as young families have been thrown into the mix, I’ve come to like him less and less. He has become selfish and more obsessed with money and status, as I have become less so. This week, he did something very cruel after I had placed my trust in him. And I felt totally betrayed. It’s not something he would have done 10/15 years ago and is just another incident in what I see as a pattern of behaviour. He’s turned into, basically, not a very nice person.

Now, maybe I’m being harsh. Maybe I’m not seeing the bigger picture. But as people change, it’s also ok for us to change our opinions of them. We’re intelligent beings, but often we think too much with our hearts, rather than our heads. And so I came to realise that, with this friend, I love him deeply and always will, for the happy times and memories that we share. But I really don’t like him anymore. My opinion of him has changed and I hold the can for that.

And that’s where we are. Just because we’ve known someone for a long tine, and have happy memories together doesn’t mean we have to continue to like them or enjoy their company if we feel they’ve changed. We can change our minds. And we can change our minds back too. I’m loathe to cut my friend out entirely as, perhaps at some point in the future, he may change again, I may change, or I may change my opinion.

We need to be flexible, follow our current trail of thought and don’t be afraid to action it. Life is short, spend your time with the people who make you happy, not the ones who bring you down.

Lesson 13. Play It Safe And You’ll Never Win Big.

One thing I don’t think I’ve mentioned so far is that I’m a big fan of running. I enjoy strapping on a pair of trainers and heading out on the open road to be alone with my thoughts in peace and quiet while simultaneously challenging myself and (trying to) stay fit. I especially enjoy running when I go away, exploring new place, unknown trails and paths and experiencing running in different conditions is really fulfilling to me. And so, this anecdote is from my recent family holiday abroad…

A few weeks ago, during my regular Sports Massage, my therapist told me that my right ankle looked a big swollen. I hadn’t really noticed before that. I’d had a lazy few months, only managing to motivate myself for a few short runs a few weeks apart and so the ankle issue hadn’t really borne itself out. A few days later, I ran a 10k race and really pushed myself but, about half way into the race, I could feel my ankle causing me pain and after the race both the ankle and upper shin gave me a few days of grief. Nothing a week in the sunshine and some light rehabilitation runs couldn’t fix.

We flew out on holiday and on the third day I decided it was time to stop being a lazy bastard and get out there. At 7am it was already 25 degrees and I managed a lovely 4 miles along the coastal path, tracking the seas the whole way into the local town and back. Nothing too fast, just a nice plod.. the ankle felt ok.

A couple of days more on the sun lounger and over-indulging in the all-you-can-eat buffet and I decided it was time to head out again, but I wanted to find a different route. This time I set out away from the town, into the country. A nice paved path gave way to gravelled trail, which then turned into a rougher path. I’d only gone about 1km and wanted to get a few more under my belt before I turned back so I continued. The ‘path’ continued to denigrate, turning into a very uneven rocky (and steep) trail.

It was at this point I began to feel my ankle and thought that on this terrain it would be very easy to go over on it. If that happened, I’d be in trouble, miles from a road, up a hill and with no access to help. But I continued. You see, I was really enjoying myself. A new terrain, incredible views over the sea, the wind in my face. It was an adventure and I was loving it. And so, I put the thought of my ankle out of my head, tried to pick my footings really carefully and continued another 2km up the hill until I ran out of steam before turning back and picking my way back downhill (even more challenging!). It was incredible and absolutely a highlight of my holiday.

And so this is the point I want to make. If you always take the safe option, you’ll never live the highs. You’ll repeat the same lovely but slightly boring paved road along the sea into town day after day after day. You’ll never see or do anything new, anything that really makes you feel alive. You’ll never get to live for the journey without thinking only of the destination. Life will be fine but in order to win big, you need to stop playing it safe and take risks (even calculated ones). Over the last few months, I’ve had a number of friends fall seriously ill or die through illness. It’s made me even more determined to live big, take risks and experience as much as I can in the time I have, however long that may be.

The day after returning home from holiday, I went out for a run on the roads I’ve run a thousand times before and know like the back of my hand… and turned my ankle just around the corner from my house. Bloody typical! 🙄

Lesson 12. Silence Is Golden.

When I was 13 years old, I was sent away to boarding school by my parents. It wasn’t a bad thing; I was unhappy, probably slightly depressed and getting away felt like a new start. The school I went to was a Quaker school, founded by the Religious Society of Friends in the early 1800’s.

For those who don’t know, Quakers are a strand of Christianity who believe that there is an element of godliness in every person rather than a specific god per se. Their core beliefs are kindness, equality and peace. The reason this is important is that, in line with Quaker tradition, every morning at school, 6 days a week (yes, we had school on a Saturday!) we had a ‘meeting’, a short-ish period of ‘worship’ where congregants sit in silence for around 30 minutes. Anyone can minister, stand and share their thoughts or a reading etc, but essentially you sit there, quietly, with your thoughts in the company of others doing the same.

As a jumped-up teenager, I found this dull. Sitting in silence isn’t exciting. It’s not chatting football with your mates. It’s not chasing girls. It’s not gossiping about who from the year above got off with someone from the year below at the school disco. Sitting in silence is boring.

Fast forward a year or 20 and my life is manic. Juggling a busy and stressful job, two young children, a household, a side-hustle of teaching, various mentoring gigs, and so on. I run at a frantic pace and there is rarely time to sit and have a cup of tea, never mind anything more substantial.

When my Grandmother passed away a few years ago, something happened. I don’t know what. I happened to walk past a Quaker Meeting House which advertised their service times on the door. I decided to go, having not attended a Meeting in many many years. Suddenly, I was greeted by warmth. I was sat there, in silence, accompanied by around 15 others and it was wonderful. Thoughts of my Grandmother came flooding back to me. I cried. And I realised that, with all the hassle of her funeral, work and a load of other stuff I had going on at the time, I hadn’t had time to grieve properly… and it all came out there and then. I went back a few more times, sat in silence, entertained the thoughts in my head, enjoyed the memories that came back to me and found it a wholly fulfilling experience.

I’ll be honest, once again, life kind of got in the way and the normal mania resumed. Recently I had the chance to attend another Quaker Meeting and again, the peace, serenity and just time to stop, think, reflect and remember was such an incredible experience that, for someone who doesn’t believe in God, I think it comes as close to ‘being with God’ as I could ever come.

In modern life we rarely ever have time where we genuinely stop and have nothing else to do. We have quiet periods of time in the day where perhaps we are commuting or waiting for an appointment, but there’s always something else going on. We never really have time to stop, clear our minds and focus on us, let our minds wander and our thoughts drift. I highly recommend it and it’s something we all need to do more often.

They say that ‘Silence is Golden’… it really is. Embrace it.

Lesson 11. You’re Not A Robot. Give Yourself A Break.

In terms of ‘Lessons From My Life’, some are things I learned a long time ago and hold fast to. Others are more recent learnings – or even points I know I need to do more work on myself. This is one of the latter.

Today, my friend passed away after a short illness. It wasn’t someone I’ve seen very recently but during my teenage years, he was there, looking out for me and having a bigger impact than I realised at the time.

I received the news in my lunch hour by text message. My initial response, ‘Oh shit’, followed by extreme sadness. I stopped for a few moments and tried to take stock, but I had a load of work to complete before the end of the day and I tried to soldier through, in between moments of thought and grief.

At 2pm I had a meeting with some colleagues. They were late back from lunch and this angered me. Then, once they arrived and we started the meeting I was cold, sharp and, following critique from one colleague I got up and walked out. I just needed some space and to get out of there.

My point here is that grief, sadness, and many other emotions are real and we feel them and that’s ok. Often, and I’m especially guilty of this, we feel a stoic need to continue, to soldier on, to bury the emotion inside and put on the stiff (British) upper lip. Actually, what I should have done today was stop, give myself some time, excuse myself from the meeting and go and be with myself and my thoughts. It was my refusal to do this, to try and continue, to ‘be an emotionless robot’ which led to an escalation of my feelings and me having to leave the meeting.

So, don’t be a robot. Allow yourself to feel, experience and be led by your emotions. Give yourself a break. It’s ok to do that. And you may just find that although, at the time, it feels like you don’t need to do that, it may just stop things getting worse later on.

Lesson 10. Not All Heroes Wear Capes. Sometimes They’re Much Closer To Home.

A hero is defined as “a person noted for courageous acts or nobility of character”. Movies portray heroes as big, muscle-clad lumps, mostly men, in tight-fitting lycra suits who swoop down and save the world from certain destruction. In other places, popular characters are defined as heroes; from the likes of Barack Obama and Mother Theresa to Kim Kardashian. Your personal heroes can be quite subjective and often we expect our heroes to deliver big, punchy results… but I think in those cases, you may be looking in the wrong places. Heroes can be found much closer to home.

My Grandfather is my hero. He’s an ordinary man. But he’s also a very, very special man.

After escaping Nazi Germany as a child, he moved to the UK and over the years, he worked his arse off, built a business which employed many workers, built a family, contributed to his community, dedicated his time to charities and other meaningful causes, he cared for my Grandmother for over 50 years after she was diagnosed as disabled – and never complained once. Not once. He is nice to everybody he meets, gives everyone a chance (and some more than one chance) and shows love and kindness in buckets to family, friends and strangers. I’ve never heard anyone say a bad word about him.

I’m sure that the guys in capes who can fly and lift cars are more exciting, and that the people we see on TV, YouTube and in glossy magazines are more glamorous, but are these really the kind of people we should be holding up as role models, as heroes, to our children?

Heroes should be accessible. Yes, they should be unique and special, but normal, ordinary people need to feel as though they can be elevated to hero status by their peers, thereby encouraging everyone to be the best they can be. Otherwise, what is even the point?

And so, when people ask me who my hero is, I will always say “My Grandfather”. They won’t know him. They won’t be able to understand why. But, for always setting the best example, for always doing the right thing, for being a shining light, for being selfless, kind and loving, for spending his whole life trying to give something back, my Grandfather will always be the single person I hold above everyone else.

Love you Gramps x

Lesson 9. True Friendship Isn’t Complicated. It’s Just About Being There.

Our friends are such an important part of our life. Sometimes they make us feel so good. Sometimes they can make us feel so bad. Sometimes we question our friendships. But something I’ve learned over the last year is that friendship really isn’t complicated. It’s not a matter of measuring ‘gives’ and ‘takes’. It’s just about being there… when it really matters.

A year ago, my best friend of nearly 25 years fell out with me. I still don’t know why. Something happened over the summer, I assume it was through something I said over a text message but, as he still hasn’t told me, I can’t be sure. I was upset, we’d been best mates for a long time, he’d been best man at my wedding, was god-father to my two children, and I felt put out that he wouldn’t even tell me what I had done to upset him and give me the chance to make it right. I was upset, then confused, then a bit angry to be honest and for a number of months, we barely spoke.

Eventually we did meet up and he told me some bad news (completely unrelated to why he had fallen out with me) – his dad was really ill. And it struck me then, that in friendships there are always going to be ups and downs, highs and lows. We’re human beings for god’s sake, we’re not robots. Things will happen that may throw things out of kilter a bit but true friendship is all about being there when it really matters. And so I told him that. I told him that whatever had come before was now irrelevant and that I was here. Whatever he needed, I would be there. To listen. To cry. To help physically. Whatever he needed, I. AM. HERE.

And that is the essence of friendship. Sometimes we can be overly critical of ourselves, being a bad friend for forgetting a birthday or for not being bothered to go to an event they organised or something similarly meaningless. At the end of the day it’s all irrelevant. As long as you are there when they need you, no matter what, no matter when, you are a good friend.

Another friend, when I recently told him of some bad news within my family, basically brushed it aside and I haven’t heard from him since. This is the opposite of what friendship should be and is one I would now actively like to try and phase out. (Im planning to write more about this at some point!) I want to spend my days with the people that matter, not those who don’t.

Sometimes, when bad things happen, we curse our luck. But it is a great way to see the people that genuinely care about us stand up and those who don’t disappear into the woodwork.

There can be few stronger words than ‘I’m here for you’ when they are truly meant.

Think about your friendships. What are the times you’ve been there for your friends? Are there times when you should have been there but let your friend down? Who has been there for you?