Author: lessonsfrommylife

Lesson 8. Be Gracious In Victory. Be Gracious In Defeat.

Last week I attended an awards ceremony for work. It’s an annual do where, over the past few years we’ve always done really well, surprisingly well, actually, against the odds, beating some of the bigger players in our market to some of the biggest awards.

I’ve always been really proud to pick up awards for my work, I mean, who isn’t? It’s great gratification for all the hard graft, creative ideas and teamwork and shows that both our industry and our customers think we’re doing a great job. It feels ace to walk up on that stage infant of your peers and to be crowned ‘the best’ at what you do.

Well, last week, I really let myself (and my team) down. Having been nominated for 3 awards, we picked up the first two and everything was looking great. Everyone was buzzing, the team were ecstatic and we were convinced that the third and final award we were up for, the most prestigious, was surely in the bag. But it wasn’t. We were pipped at the post by an arch competitor – and I was f**king furious.

Rather thank congratulate our competition on their win, I leered at them over on the next table, made sarcastic comments and accused them of foul play. How could they beat us? We know we’re the best at what we do, we’ve won this award the past two years and our standards haven’t slipped. The thing is, even if there was foul play, even if … whatever… there was no excuse for my behaviour. It was unprofessional and let myself and my team down.

To be honest, I think I was just so disappointed that our great work hadn’t been acknowledged and rewarded. I felt in some way that meant I had failed my team. It felt like failure and nobody likes failure. My team were brilliantly consoling, “we’ve still won two awards”, “it’s still really great” etc But I compounded that with my reaction and, having reflected over the past few days, I can now see that basically, I was just a sore loser. And I regret it.

What I should have done is congratulate our competitor and tell them we’d put up more of a fight next year. I didn’t, but I will. Because you can’t win all the time. Sometimes you won’t and yes, it’s crap, no-one likes to lose. But that’s part of life and if you behave like I did, you set a bad example and make yourself out to be a bit of a c**t to be honest. Whilst it hurts to lose, the winners deserve your congratulations and you know, why not make their win sweeter by saying “well done” than by trying to limit it – they’ve also worked hard, smart and together.

So next time you win, or next time you lose, be gracious. Don’t overdo the celebration if you win, but equally, don’t be too hard on your opponent (or yourself) if you lose. It’s all a part of life and over the course of your life these things will even themselves out. Where you can effect an imbalance is in how you behave towards others and if you can be a nice person 100% of the time, whether you win or lose, then you’ll always be a winner.

Lesson 7. When It Comes To Charity, Give What You Can When You Can And Don’t Worry About When You Can’t.

We’re very lucky that we live in a privileged world, certainly compared to that which our parents and grandparents lived in. But that doesn’t mean everyone is in the same boat and there are many, many great causes to support, but you can’t support them all.

In financial terms, life can ebb and flow. Sometimes we have a bit more or a bit less. Some months, I really struggle to balance the books and come the end of the month I’m scratching around trying to pay my tube fare to work. Other months, I have a surplus and might be able to save a bit away.

When it comes to charity, my view is to always do what you can when you can – and don’t feel guilty when you can’t. It’s quite alright to say, ‘sorry, no’ if someone is asking you for money.

It’s up to each individual to decide the causes that matter to them. For example, having never owned pets etc, animal charities aren’t really my thing but instead I support a number of health-related causes. I always like to support the causes my friends and family support as it shows love to them too and so a lot of my charity donations come in the form of sponsorships for marathons, swims, etc or backing charitable events that my friends have organised. Even small gestures like, for example, when my son’s school ask for a contribution towards a school trip, I always pay double so that another child whose family would not be able to afford it can still go. Small gestures, when you can.

And on top of that, there’s time and skills. Most charities, especially smaller ones rely on volunteers to run, so even if you don’t have cash to spare, you can still make a valuable contribution.

As I said earlier, there are so many charities, good causes and others vying for our attention and funds. It can become exhausting. But charity is so important, not just for the charities which benefit but for the benefactor too. To contribute to good causes and give something back to society, even in a small way is wholly rewarding and can benefit the soul in ways you never knew possible.

Lesson 6. Whatever It Is You Believe In, Never Lose Your Faith.

I grew up in an observant and relatively religious Jewish home, attending synagogue, religion school and other religious events on a weekly basis. Judaism was drummed into me from an early age and it was a huge part of my life as I grew up, not really questioning why that was. As I got older and more inquisitive, I began to realise that I didn’t believe in god and turned against the religion and people I had been born into – not actively anti, but it just wasn’t something that mattered and I was more interested in finding new experiences, seeing friends and having fun.

Since I had children however things have slowly started to revert, and although I still absolutely class myself as an Atheist (not even Agnostic) the traditions and customs of my people have become increasingly important to me. My faith has returned.

I understand of course that the very term ‘faith’ refers to ‘faith in a god’, but to me it’s more than that. It’s faith in life, faith in the goodness of people and community, faith that my family will be there to support me no matter what.

My grandmother passed away recently and I returned to the town I grew up in for the funeral. Of course, the many Jewish customs and traditions around death and mourning were employed such as holding the funeral as soon as possible after death – in this case, within 22 hours! The principal mourners hold a period called ‘shiva’ or ‘seven’ where for 7 days they don’t leave the home and instead are visited by members of the community who bring food and comfort during this time.

All of these customs are designed to help the mourners overcome their initial grief, so the fast turnaround time is the equivalent to ripping off a plaster, getting the funeral out of the way so that the process of overcoming grief can really commence. The period of ‘shiva’ ensures that mourners are not alone and that they are looked after during this difficult period and it’s really incredible how the whole community rallies round, I can’t tell you how many plates of food were delivered to my Parents’ home in the last few days!

And so back to faith. Although I don’t believe in god, nor have faith that prayer or similar will change my path, at this difficult time I took great comfort in embracing the traditions that my people have carried out for generations. I found that it provided me with a comfort, a framework where I knew what the rules were at a time when I felt more vulnerable. Little things like preparing a plate of food can mean so much to the people receiving it, particularly in times of grief. A support on the foundations built in my childhood gave me strength, courage and faith to believe that life will continue, It will be good and that I could overcome my grief.

This post isn’t in any way supposed to be an advocacy for Judaism or it’s customs. Whatever your beliefs, you will have things you do, things you’ve done since childhood. In an increasingly modern world, we sometimes lose sight of these things as our lives get so busy and wound up in the day-to-day. So take time out, remind yourself of your core beliefs what make you who you are and never lose that faith, in whatever it is you believe in. Because faith is so important, especially at the times when, although we don’t always realise, we need it the most.

Lesson 5. Great Leaders Lead From the Front AND From the Back.

My wife recently had some issues at work with her manager. Long story short, her boss had absolutely zero management ability, leadership skills or the desire to achieve these things. It got me thinking about what makes a good leader, not just in the workplace but in general.

You always hear people saying that good leaders “lead from the front” and this is absolutely true. A GOOD leader sets the standard, leads from example and stands firm at the top of the team structure, shouldering the burden of the team and being the first one to nat away any issues that come along. They shouldn’t be afraid to roll their sleeves up and get their hands dirty.

But a GREAT leader, as well as leading from the front, also leads from the back. Whilst doing the above, they are there behind their team pushing them forwards, simultaneously showing them the way and then stepping back, allowing them to shoulder the responsibility , live the experience, and shine for themselves.

In my experience of leadership, it is leading from behind which is hardest. I’ll readily admit, I’m a bit of a control freak and ceding control, standing back and allowing my people to take control is difficult, but it can also be massively rewarding when it pays off. Which it won’t always. But that’s fine too. You need to allow your people to make mistakes and learn form them, otherwise how will they ever learn?

This is the absolute essence of good leadership, setting the standard, showing the way and then trusting your people to achieve. Getting ahead is not about taking the credit for the work your people do, but pushing the credit onto them, letting them see just how great a job they’ve done and then allowing them to pull you forwards at the same time.

This is part of the reason I get funny about my team referring to me as ‘boss’ or ‘manager’. I don’t ‘manage’ them and I certainly don’t boss them. I try to lead them – from front and back – so that they can achieve everything they are capable of and shine by themselves.

Lesson 4. When You Feel Like You Can’t Do Right For Doing Wrong… Do The Right Thing.

A few weeks ago, I went through a phase of trying to do nice things for people and then making a complete hash of it. Not on purpose, just in focussing on trying to be kind, I hadn’t considered a full 360-degree view of what I was doing.

For example, part of my job is working with an online florist and every time I get my wife flowers from there, she jokes that I got them free or cheap and so, on Valentine’s Day this year, I decided not to get her flowers and face the wrath of doing so. Instead, I got her something else. That said, I did decide to surprise my team who had worked really hard on a great marketing campaign for the site with a bunch of flowers each. Long story short, my wife got the delivery notifications, one after the next saying that flowers had been delivered to x, y and z… yet hers never arrived… on… Valentine’s… Day. All I was trying to do was a nice thing for my team, but it backfired on me spectacularly.

Then, on International Women’s Day, I thought it would be nice to send an inspirational quote to a friend who was a vocal feminist, showing that I was in support. A quick flick through quote memes on the train into work yielded one that looked perfect so I sent it.. off it went.. … … two blue WhatsApp ticks, great, job done. The reply came… “Is this means too be a joke?” Turns out I’d misread the quote and it was actually quite insulting.

Then, this week I got on the train to come home from work, sat down as usual and became ensconced in my phone. When I looked up, the train was busy and as I turned my head into the aisle, there was a pregnant lady with her bump right in my eye line. Of course, I sprang up and offered her my seat, but she refused, looking embarrassed and flustered. Sitting back down I realised that perhaps, I had over-estimated the size of her bump and that perhaps, she was just a bit bloated.

All these examples came from a good place, filled with love for the people I care about and trying to be kind… but ended up with me having egg on my face. And so, the point I’m trying to make is, that even though I’ve ended up on the wrong side each time, that outcome wasn’t always guaranteed. My team were thrilled with their flowers, a nice quote would have been appreciated (had I read it properly first) and IF that lady was pregnant, I’m sure she would have appreciated my seat.

I think my first reaction is always to try and do something nice and maybe I need to slow down and consider my actions a bit more first, but I will never stop trying to do the right thing because if your intentions are good you WILL get it right eventually and people will appreciate your efforts… even if sometimes you don’t get it quite right.

Lesson 3. Everybody Shits.

I’ll be honest, this is one that came from one of my colleagues and, even though it sounds like a re-hash of an old R.E.M song, it really resonated with me.

We were discussing an upcoming meeting with our CEO and I wanted to check in and make sure she was feeling confident about it. Her response… “Everybody shits”.

It’s so true. Nobody is so super-human or uber-special that they don’t shit. Just to break that down for you:

Your CEO shits.

Hollywood Movie Stars shit.

Glamorous beauty models shit.

Even Mother Theresa, Ghandi and Jesus used to shit.

And sometimes, those shits won’t be lovely one-wipe aces. Sometimes they’ll be horrible, sticky, smelly turds that take like 12 wipes.

We all suffer from imposter syndrome sometimes, believing that we’re not good enough or don’t deserve to be in the situation we find ourselves in. It’s not true. Don’t be overawed by anybody. You ARE good enough.

So next time you are in a situation where you feel nervous about meeting with someone, just remember, they may also be nervous about meeting with you, they’re only human and yes, they shit too!

Lesson 2. Don’t Be Afraid Or Embarrassed To Show LOVE.

LOVE is a big word and I think people often give it far too much attention. In many peoples’ minds, LOVE is saved only for the most special, our life partner, our children, etc. But actually, you can LOVE many people; friends, colleagues and more distant family members.

I think sometimes we can be too reticent to show people we LOVE them. We can feel afraid that maybe they don’t reciprocate the feeling or embarrassed in case other people judge us for expressing ourselves.

Here’s an example; I grew up in a culture where it was perfectly normal for men to kiss each other. I would kiss my dad, grandfathers, uncles etc in the same way that I’d kiss my mother, grandmothers, aunties etc. I know that in more traditional British families, grandfathers especially were greeted with a handshake and nothing more, but in my family, we kissed. As I grew up, I became increasingly aware of this and started to feel embarrassed. I didn’t want to kiss male relatives any more and shied away from more physical contact because I was afraid that friends and contemporaries might make fun of me. Looking back now, I realise this was stupid, but especially as a child, you don’t want people taking the piss out of you if you can avoid it.

Now that I’m older and wiser, I’ve spun right the other way. Realising that we’re not on this planet for that long and that it’s important to let people know how you feel about them, I’ve taken to letting people know that I LOVE them. I kiss male relatives and even my closest male friends, it just feels natural that when you greet a good friend, you want them to know just how pleased you are to see them.

At work, I understand it’s important to maintain more professional boundaries, so I don’t kiss my colleagues but I show them LOVE in other ways; asking how they feel, small, thoughtful gifts when it’s appropriate, etc. Yes, it’s a different kind of LOVE, but I spend so much time with these people and I want them to know that I LOVE spending time with them and that they mean something to me. They’re not just machines doing a job, they’re people. And very special people at that.

Ultimately, I believe that you get what you give. If you are happy and proud to show and tell the people that you LOVE how you feel about them, then they will return that LOVE. It will make you feel happier, freer and will only serve to enhance your relationship. Think about it. Then go and tell somebody that you LOVE them.

Lesson 1. Learn From Your Mistakes. Or Better Still, Learn From Other People’s Mistakes.

So here it is. I’ve started a blog. Clearly.

I’d always thought blogs were wanky, self-indulgent things that Generation Z’ers used to promote themselves or elicit the stereotypical ‘you alright hun’ response from their army of similarly self-obsessed followers. So why the fuck am I doing this?

Well, as I get older, I feel like I have things I want to say and I think that by expressing myself and writing them down, I can hopefully make better sense of how I’m feeling. Also, there are lessons I have learned that I want to pass down to the next generation, especially my kids. I’ve always thought that it is important to learn from your mistakes… but if you can also learn from other peoples’ mistakes then surely that’s a bonus!

Maybe some people will read this. Probably no one will. I’m not doing this for ‘likes’ or for fame, in fact my aim is to try and stay anonymous. I’m doing this for me and for my family.

I will try to update this blog regularly, or as regularly as I can, I mean, life is happening around us, right?!?! I’ll try and make the posts short, digestible and hopefully slightly humorous. But most of all, I’ll try and pass on lessons that I learn on the way through this journey that is life.

Right. Let us begin…