death

Lesson 11. You’re Not A Robot. Give Yourself A Break.

In terms of ‘Lessons From My Life’, some are things I learned a long time ago and hold fast to. Others are more recent learnings – or even points I know I need to do more work on myself. This is one of the latter.

Today, my friend passed away after a short illness. It wasn’t someone I’ve seen very recently but during my teenage years, he was there, looking out for me and having a bigger impact than I realised at the time.

I received the news in my lunch hour by text message. My initial response, ‘Oh shit’, followed by extreme sadness. I stopped for a few moments and tried to take stock, but I had a load of work to complete before the end of the day and I tried to soldier through, in between moments of thought and grief.

At 2pm I had a meeting with some colleagues. They were late back from lunch and this angered me. Then, once they arrived and we started the meeting I was cold, sharp and, following critique from one colleague I got up and walked out. I just needed some space and to get out of there.

My point here is that grief, sadness, and many other emotions are real and we feel them and that’s ok. Often, and I’m especially guilty of this, we feel a stoic need to continue, to soldier on, to bury the emotion inside and put on the stiff (British) upper lip. Actually, what I should have done today was stop, give myself some time, excuse myself from the meeting and go and be with myself and my thoughts. It was my refusal to do this, to try and continue, to ‘be an emotionless robot’ which led to an escalation of my feelings and me having to leave the meeting.

So, don’t be a robot. Allow yourself to feel, experience and be led by your emotions. Give yourself a break. It’s ok to do that. And you may just find that although, at the time, it feels like you don’t need to do that, it may just stop things getting worse later on.

Lesson 6. Whatever It Is You Believe In, Never Lose Your Faith.

I grew up in an observant and relatively religious Jewish home, attending synagogue, religion school and other religious events on a weekly basis. Judaism was drummed into me from an early age and it was a huge part of my life as I grew up, not really questioning why that was. As I got older and more inquisitive, I began to realise that I didn’t believe in god and turned against the religion and people I had been born into – not actively anti, but it just wasn’t something that mattered and I was more interested in finding new experiences, seeing friends and having fun.

Since I had children however things have slowly started to revert, and although I still absolutely class myself as an Atheist (not even Agnostic) the traditions and customs of my people have become increasingly important to me. My faith has returned.

I understand of course that the very term ‘faith’ refers to ‘faith in a god’, but to me it’s more than that. It’s faith in life, faith in the goodness of people and community, faith that my family will be there to support me no matter what.

My grandmother passed away recently and I returned to the town I grew up in for the funeral. Of course, the many Jewish customs and traditions around death and mourning were employed such as holding the funeral as soon as possible after death – in this case, within 22 hours! The principal mourners hold a period called ‘shiva’ or ‘seven’ where for 7 days they don’t leave the home and instead are visited by members of the community who bring food and comfort during this time.

All of these customs are designed to help the mourners overcome their initial grief, so the fast turnaround time is the equivalent to ripping off a plaster, getting the funeral out of the way so that the process of overcoming grief can really commence. The period of ‘shiva’ ensures that mourners are not alone and that they are looked after during this difficult period and it’s really incredible how the whole community rallies round, I can’t tell you how many plates of food were delivered to my Parents’ home in the last few days!

And so back to faith. Although I don’t believe in god, nor have faith that prayer or similar will change my path, at this difficult time I took great comfort in embracing the traditions that my people have carried out for generations. I found that it provided me with a comfort, a framework where I knew what the rules were at a time when I felt more vulnerable. Little things like preparing a plate of food can mean so much to the people receiving it, particularly in times of grief. A support on the foundations built in my childhood gave me strength, courage and faith to believe that life will continue, It will be good and that I could overcome my grief.

This post isn’t in any way supposed to be an advocacy for Judaism or it’s customs. Whatever your beliefs, you will have things you do, things you’ve done since childhood. In an increasingly modern world, we sometimes lose sight of these things as our lives get so busy and wound up in the day-to-day. So take time out, remind yourself of your core beliefs what make you who you are and never lose that faith, in whatever it is you believe in. Because faith is so important, especially at the times when, although we don’t always realise, we need it the most.