family

Lesson 10. Not All Heroes Wear Capes. Sometimes They’re Much Closer To Home.

A hero is defined as “a person noted for courageous acts or nobility of character”. Movies portray heroes as big, muscle-clad lumps, mostly men, in tight-fitting lycra suits who swoop down and save the world from certain destruction. In other places, popular characters are defined as heroes; from the likes of Barack Obama and Mother Theresa to Kim Kardashian. Your personal heroes can be quite subjective and often we expect our heroes to deliver big, punchy results… but I think in those cases, you may be looking in the wrong places. Heroes can be found much closer to home.

My Grandfather is my hero. He’s an ordinary man. But he’s also a very, very special man.

After escaping Nazi Germany as a child, he moved to the UK and over the years, he worked his arse off, built a business which employed many workers, built a family, contributed to his community, dedicated his time to charities and other meaningful causes, he cared for my Grandmother for over 50 years after she was diagnosed as disabled – and never complained once. Not once. He is nice to everybody he meets, gives everyone a chance (and some more than one chance) and shows love and kindness in buckets to family, friends and strangers. I’ve never heard anyone say a bad word about him.

I’m sure that the guys in capes who can fly and lift cars are more exciting, and that the people we see on TV, YouTube and in glossy magazines are more glamorous, but are these really the kind of people we should be holding up as role models, as heroes, to our children?

Heroes should be accessible. Yes, they should be unique and special, but normal, ordinary people need to feel as though they can be elevated to hero status by their peers, thereby encouraging everyone to be the best they can be. Otherwise, what is even the point?

And so, when people ask me who my hero is, I will always say “My Grandfather”. They won’t know him. They won’t be able to understand why. But, for always setting the best example, for always doing the right thing, for being a shining light, for being selfless, kind and loving, for spending his whole life trying to give something back, my Grandfather will always be the single person I hold above everyone else.

Love you Gramps x

Lesson 7. When It Comes To Charity, Give What You Can When You Can And Don’t Worry About When You Can’t.

We’re very lucky that we live in a privileged world, certainly compared to that which our parents and grandparents lived in. But that doesn’t mean everyone is in the same boat and there are many, many great causes to support, but you can’t support them all.

In financial terms, life can ebb and flow. Sometimes we have a bit more or a bit less. Some months, I really struggle to balance the books and come the end of the month I’m scratching around trying to pay my tube fare to work. Other months, I have a surplus and might be able to save a bit away.

When it comes to charity, my view is to always do what you can when you can – and don’t feel guilty when you can’t. It’s quite alright to say, ‘sorry, no’ if someone is asking you for money.

It’s up to each individual to decide the causes that matter to them. For example, having never owned pets etc, animal charities aren’t really my thing but instead I support a number of health-related causes. I always like to support the causes my friends and family support as it shows love to them too and so a lot of my charity donations come in the form of sponsorships for marathons, swims, etc or backing charitable events that my friends have organised. Even small gestures like, for example, when my son’s school ask for a contribution towards a school trip, I always pay double so that another child whose family would not be able to afford it can still go. Small gestures, when you can.

And on top of that, there’s time and skills. Most charities, especially smaller ones rely on volunteers to run, so even if you don’t have cash to spare, you can still make a valuable contribution.

As I said earlier, there are so many charities, good causes and others vying for our attention and funds. It can become exhausting. But charity is so important, not just for the charities which benefit but for the benefactor too. To contribute to good causes and give something back to society, even in a small way is wholly rewarding and can benefit the soul in ways you never knew possible.

Lesson 6. Whatever It Is You Believe In, Never Lose Your Faith.

I grew up in an observant and relatively religious Jewish home, attending synagogue, religion school and other religious events on a weekly basis. Judaism was drummed into me from an early age and it was a huge part of my life as I grew up, not really questioning why that was. As I got older and more inquisitive, I began to realise that I didn’t believe in god and turned against the religion and people I had been born into – not actively anti, but it just wasn’t something that mattered and I was more interested in finding new experiences, seeing friends and having fun.

Since I had children however things have slowly started to revert, and although I still absolutely class myself as an Atheist (not even Agnostic) the traditions and customs of my people have become increasingly important to me. My faith has returned.

I understand of course that the very term ‘faith’ refers to ‘faith in a god’, but to me it’s more than that. It’s faith in life, faith in the goodness of people and community, faith that my family will be there to support me no matter what.

My grandmother passed away recently and I returned to the town I grew up in for the funeral. Of course, the many Jewish customs and traditions around death and mourning were employed such as holding the funeral as soon as possible after death – in this case, within 22 hours! The principal mourners hold a period called ‘shiva’ or ‘seven’ where for 7 days they don’t leave the home and instead are visited by members of the community who bring food and comfort during this time.

All of these customs are designed to help the mourners overcome their initial grief, so the fast turnaround time is the equivalent to ripping off a plaster, getting the funeral out of the way so that the process of overcoming grief can really commence. The period of ‘shiva’ ensures that mourners are not alone and that they are looked after during this difficult period and it’s really incredible how the whole community rallies round, I can’t tell you how many plates of food were delivered to my Parents’ home in the last few days!

And so back to faith. Although I don’t believe in god, nor have faith that prayer or similar will change my path, at this difficult time I took great comfort in embracing the traditions that my people have carried out for generations. I found that it provided me with a comfort, a framework where I knew what the rules were at a time when I felt more vulnerable. Little things like preparing a plate of food can mean so much to the people receiving it, particularly in times of grief. A support on the foundations built in my childhood gave me strength, courage and faith to believe that life will continue, It will be good and that I could overcome my grief.

This post isn’t in any way supposed to be an advocacy for Judaism or it’s customs. Whatever your beliefs, you will have things you do, things you’ve done since childhood. In an increasingly modern world, we sometimes lose sight of these things as our lives get so busy and wound up in the day-to-day. So take time out, remind yourself of your core beliefs what make you who you are and never lose that faith, in whatever it is you believe in. Because faith is so important, especially at the times when, although we don’t always realise, we need it the most.

Lesson 2. Don’t Be Afraid Or Embarrassed To Show LOVE.

LOVE is a big word and I think people often give it far too much attention. In many peoples’ minds, LOVE is saved only for the most special, our life partner, our children, etc. But actually, you can LOVE many people; friends, colleagues and more distant family members.

I think sometimes we can be too reticent to show people we LOVE them. We can feel afraid that maybe they don’t reciprocate the feeling or embarrassed in case other people judge us for expressing ourselves.

Here’s an example; I grew up in a culture where it was perfectly normal for men to kiss each other. I would kiss my dad, grandfathers, uncles etc in the same way that I’d kiss my mother, grandmothers, aunties etc. I know that in more traditional British families, grandfathers especially were greeted with a handshake and nothing more, but in my family, we kissed. As I grew up, I became increasingly aware of this and started to feel embarrassed. I didn’t want to kiss male relatives any more and shied away from more physical contact because I was afraid that friends and contemporaries might make fun of me. Looking back now, I realise this was stupid, but especially as a child, you don’t want people taking the piss out of you if you can avoid it.

Now that I’m older and wiser, I’ve spun right the other way. Realising that we’re not on this planet for that long and that it’s important to let people know how you feel about them, I’ve taken to letting people know that I LOVE them. I kiss male relatives and even my closest male friends, it just feels natural that when you greet a good friend, you want them to know just how pleased you are to see them.

At work, I understand it’s important to maintain more professional boundaries, so I don’t kiss my colleagues but I show them LOVE in other ways; asking how they feel, small, thoughtful gifts when it’s appropriate, etc. Yes, it’s a different kind of LOVE, but I spend so much time with these people and I want them to know that I LOVE spending time with them and that they mean something to me. They’re not just machines doing a job, they’re people. And very special people at that.

Ultimately, I believe that you get what you give. If you are happy and proud to show and tell the people that you LOVE how you feel about them, then they will return that LOVE. It will make you feel happier, freer and will only serve to enhance your relationship. Think about it. Then go and tell somebody that you LOVE them.