friendshipblog

Lesson 18. Get Comfortable With Uncomfortable Conversations.

A colleague of mine passed away this week. Utterly tragic, gone long before he should have gone, he’s left a big hole in many peoples’ lives. It’s really sad and the whole company has felt the shockwaves, but one of my first reactions on hearing the news, was to reach out to his team, seek out the people he was closest to and offer them my condolences.

Why? Because I know how it feels to receive not just bad news, but horrible, life-changing news. To feel so sad that you can’t speak. To feel helpless and hopeless, not knowing where to turn or who to turn to. At times like that, we need people to reach out to us.

Around 10 years ago, following a routine surgery, I was called back to the hospital. I thought it was for a quick check up, but the news that followed affected the rest of my life. They had found a cancerous tumour in my body. I was speechless, literally unable to speak. It took me a long time to process; going through various stages of sadness, determination, helplessness. And it’s at times like that, when you are at your most vulnerable, that the people who really care, who really give a shit come to the fore. And, sadly, those who don’t care, fade away.

You see, everyone handles bad news differently. Some people want to talk about it. Others don’t. But if you don’t offer a friendly ear, then there’s no talking at all. You may not have all the answers. You may not know anything about it. But just being there to listen can mean the world to someone going through something they don’t know how to process.

And so, for the last 10 years or so, I’ve made sure that I get myself comfortable with having uncomfortable conversations. Because being there to listen to someone who is going through a shitty time, isn’t any where near as bad as actually going through what they are. Very few people approach these subjects head on, and I’ve found that by having these conversations, it’s really deepened my relationships with good friends, and also with people I’ve known less well, enriching my life too!

Because a short period of discomfort, of putting ourselves out there and saying “I’m not afraid to have this conversation with you and I’m here for you, whatever you’re going through” can mean the absolute world to someone and can be the difference in helping them overcome whatever it is they are going through.

So the next time a difficult, or uncomfortable situation occurs, rather than ignoring it, or just passing pleasantries, attack it head on. Let that person know you are there for them and don’t be uncomfortable about it. You’ll make a huge difference.

Lesson 14. People Do Change And It’s Ok To Change Your Opinion Of Them

We’re all homosapiens, intelligent beings with a hint of animal instinct. And what that means is that we think, we develop and we grow mentally. Our thoughts, values and beliefs can change. We don’t remain static and hopefully the direction of that growth is positive and changes who you are as a person in a good way as you go through life.

I know that, since I was a teenager and began to self-realise, I have changed dramatically but I look back and think that the ways in which I’ve changed have made me a better person. Of course, circumstances can change us too, for example, having young children has perhaps taken some of the ‘daring’ and ‘fun’ out of my personality, but I wouldn’t necessarily se these as bad changes. But overall, I’ve learnt and worked hard to be kinder, more empathetic, a better listener and calmer in difficult situations and I think I’m a better person for it.

But as we change, for good or bad, people may see us differently and that’s ok. And it works the other way around too, the way that you see the people in your life may change. This is especially prevalent with people we’ve known for a long time, perhaps especially since that time of raging teenage hormones and the beginning of our journey of self-discovery.

I have a friend whom I’ve known since my mid teens. He was always really kind and thoughtful, and there for me… and hopefully he felt the same about me. In the last few years, as young families have been thrown into the mix, I’ve come to like him less and less. He has become selfish and more obsessed with money and status, as I have become less so. This week, he did something very cruel after I had placed my trust in him. And I felt totally betrayed. It’s not something he would have done 10/15 years ago and is just another incident in what I see as a pattern of behaviour. He’s turned into, basically, not a very nice person.

Now, maybe I’m being harsh. Maybe I’m not seeing the bigger picture. But as people change, it’s also ok for us to change our opinions of them. We’re intelligent beings, but often we think too much with our hearts, rather than our heads. And so I came to realise that, with this friend, I love him deeply and always will, for the happy times and memories that we share. But I really don’t like him anymore. My opinion of him has changed and I hold the can for that.

And that’s where we are. Just because we’ve known someone for a long tine, and have happy memories together doesn’t mean we have to continue to like them or enjoy their company if we feel they’ve changed. We can change our minds. And we can change our minds back too. I’m loathe to cut my friend out entirely as, perhaps at some point in the future, he may change again, I may change, or I may change my opinion.

We need to be flexible, follow our current trail of thought and don’t be afraid to action it. Life is short, spend your time with the people who make you happy, not the ones who bring you down.

Lesson 9. True Friendship Isn’t Complicated. It’s Just About Being There.

Our friends are such an important part of our life. Sometimes they make us feel so good. Sometimes they can make us feel so bad. Sometimes we question our friendships. But something I’ve learned over the last year is that friendship really isn’t complicated. It’s not a matter of measuring ‘gives’ and ‘takes’. It’s just about being there… when it really matters.

A year ago, my best friend of nearly 25 years fell out with me. I still don’t know why. Something happened over the summer, I assume it was through something I said over a text message but, as he still hasn’t told me, I can’t be sure. I was upset, we’d been best mates for a long time, he’d been best man at my wedding, was god-father to my two children, and I felt put out that he wouldn’t even tell me what I had done to upset him and give me the chance to make it right. I was upset, then confused, then a bit angry to be honest and for a number of months, we barely spoke.

Eventually we did meet up and he told me some bad news (completely unrelated to why he had fallen out with me) – his dad was really ill. And it struck me then, that in friendships there are always going to be ups and downs, highs and lows. We’re human beings for god’s sake, we’re not robots. Things will happen that may throw things out of kilter a bit but true friendship is all about being there when it really matters. And so I told him that. I told him that whatever had come before was now irrelevant and that I was here. Whatever he needed, I would be there. To listen. To cry. To help physically. Whatever he needed, I. AM. HERE.

And that is the essence of friendship. Sometimes we can be overly critical of ourselves, being a bad friend for forgetting a birthday or for not being bothered to go to an event they organised or something similarly meaningless. At the end of the day it’s all irrelevant. As long as you are there when they need you, no matter what, no matter when, you are a good friend.

Another friend, when I recently told him of some bad news within my family, basically brushed it aside and I haven’t heard from him since. This is the opposite of what friendship should be and is one I would now actively like to try and phase out. (Im planning to write more about this at some point!) I want to spend my days with the people that matter, not those who don’t.

Sometimes, when bad things happen, we curse our luck. But it is a great way to see the people that genuinely care about us stand up and those who don’t disappear into the woodwork.

There can be few stronger words than ‘I’m here for you’ when they are truly meant.

Think about your friendships. What are the times you’ve been there for your friends? Are there times when you should have been there but let your friend down? Who has been there for you?