kindness

Lesson 8. Be Gracious In Victory. Be Gracious In Defeat.

Last week I attended an awards ceremony for work. It’s an annual do where, over the past few years we’ve always done really well, surprisingly well, actually, against the odds, beating some of the bigger players in our market to some of the biggest awards.

I’ve always been really proud to pick up awards for my work, I mean, who isn’t? It’s great gratification for all the hard graft, creative ideas and teamwork and shows that both our industry and our customers think we’re doing a great job. It feels ace to walk up on that stage infant of your peers and to be crowned ‘the best’ at what you do.

Well, last week, I really let myself (and my team) down. Having been nominated for 3 awards, we picked up the first two and everything was looking great. Everyone was buzzing, the team were ecstatic and we were convinced that the third and final award we were up for, the most prestigious, was surely in the bag. But it wasn’t. We were pipped at the post by an arch competitor – and I was f**king furious.

Rather thank congratulate our competition on their win, I leered at them over on the next table, made sarcastic comments and accused them of foul play. How could they beat us? We know we’re the best at what we do, we’ve won this award the past two years and our standards haven’t slipped. The thing is, even if there was foul play, even if … whatever… there was no excuse for my behaviour. It was unprofessional and let myself and my team down.

To be honest, I think I was just so disappointed that our great work hadn’t been acknowledged and rewarded. I felt in some way that meant I had failed my team. It felt like failure and nobody likes failure. My team were brilliantly consoling, “we’ve still won two awards”, “it’s still really great” etc But I compounded that with my reaction and, having reflected over the past few days, I can now see that basically, I was just a sore loser. And I regret it.

What I should have done is congratulate our competitor and tell them we’d put up more of a fight next year. I didn’t, but I will. Because you can’t win all the time. Sometimes you won’t and yes, it’s crap, no-one likes to lose. But that’s part of life and if you behave like I did, you set a bad example and make yourself out to be a bit of a c**t to be honest. Whilst it hurts to lose, the winners deserve your congratulations and you know, why not make their win sweeter by saying “well done” than by trying to limit it – they’ve also worked hard, smart and together.

So next time you win, or next time you lose, be gracious. Don’t overdo the celebration if you win, but equally, don’t be too hard on your opponent (or yourself) if you lose. It’s all a part of life and over the course of your life these things will even themselves out. Where you can effect an imbalance is in how you behave towards others and if you can be a nice person 100% of the time, whether you win or lose, then you’ll always be a winner.

Lesson 7. When It Comes To Charity, Give What You Can When You Can And Don’t Worry About When You Can’t.

We’re very lucky that we live in a privileged world, certainly compared to that which our parents and grandparents lived in. But that doesn’t mean everyone is in the same boat and there are many, many great causes to support, but you can’t support them all.

In financial terms, life can ebb and flow. Sometimes we have a bit more or a bit less. Some months, I really struggle to balance the books and come the end of the month I’m scratching around trying to pay my tube fare to work. Other months, I have a surplus and might be able to save a bit away.

When it comes to charity, my view is to always do what you can when you can – and don’t feel guilty when you can’t. It’s quite alright to say, ‘sorry, no’ if someone is asking you for money.

It’s up to each individual to decide the causes that matter to them. For example, having never owned pets etc, animal charities aren’t really my thing but instead I support a number of health-related causes. I always like to support the causes my friends and family support as it shows love to them too and so a lot of my charity donations come in the form of sponsorships for marathons, swims, etc or backing charitable events that my friends have organised. Even small gestures like, for example, when my son’s school ask for a contribution towards a school trip, I always pay double so that another child whose family would not be able to afford it can still go. Small gestures, when you can.

And on top of that, there’s time and skills. Most charities, especially smaller ones rely on volunteers to run, so even if you don’t have cash to spare, you can still make a valuable contribution.

As I said earlier, there are so many charities, good causes and others vying for our attention and funds. It can become exhausting. But charity is so important, not just for the charities which benefit but for the benefactor too. To contribute to good causes and give something back to society, even in a small way is wholly rewarding and can benefit the soul in ways you never knew possible.

Lesson 4. When You Feel Like You Can’t Do Right For Doing Wrong… Do The Right Thing.

A few weeks ago, I went through a phase of trying to do nice things for people and then making a complete hash of it. Not on purpose, just in focussing on trying to be kind, I hadn’t considered a full 360-degree view of what I was doing.

For example, part of my job is working with an online florist and every time I get my wife flowers from there, she jokes that I got them free or cheap and so, on Valentine’s Day this year, I decided not to get her flowers and face the wrath of doing so. Instead, I got her something else. That said, I did decide to surprise my team who had worked really hard on a great marketing campaign for the site with a bunch of flowers each. Long story short, my wife got the delivery notifications, one after the next saying that flowers had been delivered to x, y and z… yet hers never arrived… on… Valentine’s… Day. All I was trying to do was a nice thing for my team, but it backfired on me spectacularly.

Then, on International Women’s Day, I thought it would be nice to send an inspirational quote to a friend who was a vocal feminist, showing that I was in support. A quick flick through quote memes on the train into work yielded one that looked perfect so I sent it.. off it went.. … … two blue WhatsApp ticks, great, job done. The reply came… “Is this means too be a joke?” Turns out I’d misread the quote and it was actually quite insulting.

Then, this week I got on the train to come home from work, sat down as usual and became ensconced in my phone. When I looked up, the train was busy and as I turned my head into the aisle, there was a pregnant lady with her bump right in my eye line. Of course, I sprang up and offered her my seat, but she refused, looking embarrassed and flustered. Sitting back down I realised that perhaps, I had over-estimated the size of her bump and that perhaps, she was just a bit bloated.

All these examples came from a good place, filled with love for the people I care about and trying to be kind… but ended up with me having egg on my face. And so, the point I’m trying to make is, that even though I’ve ended up on the wrong side each time, that outcome wasn’t always guaranteed. My team were thrilled with their flowers, a nice quote would have been appreciated (had I read it properly first) and IF that lady was pregnant, I’m sure she would have appreciated my seat.

I think my first reaction is always to try and do something nice and maybe I need to slow down and consider my actions a bit more first, but I will never stop trying to do the right thing because if your intentions are good you WILL get it right eventually and people will appreciate your efforts… even if sometimes you don’t get it quite right.