leadership

Lesson 17. Gratitude Is The Right Attitude.

Two little words… “Thank You”.

That’s all it takes to really brighten up my day. Two simple, powerful words that mean so much.

One of my biggest disappointments in life happened a few years ago. I’d had a girl in my team for whom I’d given more, both professionally and personally than I’d given any other team member. She’s moved South for the role and I went massively over-and-above to try and ensure she was happy. This included enabling flexible working so she could be closer her family, standing up for her after a huge error to ensure she didn’t lose her job, arranging for the company to pay her travel home to visit her family, being called on a number of occasions while she was in tears and providing a friendly and listening ear, and even giving her cash from my own wallet to buy flowers for her mother who was sick. Very few managers (I believe) would go so far for an employee, and very few employees would expect it.

I didn’t do it all for kudos, or for thanks. I did it because it was the right thing to do. Because I wanted her to be happy and settled during a time she was clearly struggling with. Because I wanted to be kind and show her that I cared. After a year with us, she left, having got another job back up North closer to her family. And on the day she left, she walked out the building and just said “ok, bye.”

“Ok. Bye.” That was it. It made me feel awful. Had I not done enough? Had I not tried her enough? What more could I have done? Two little words, the difference between making someone feel their efforts for you are not enough, or letting them know you appreciate them. Like I said, I didn’t do it for the thanks, but in that moment (and still), I felt very let down.

This week, out of the blue, I received a message from one of my current team thanking me for being an inspirational leader. I hadn’t done anything particular, it was unexpected and off-the-cuff but it brought a tear to my eye. To be thanked. To be recognised. To be appreciated.

Often, it’s the big things we thank people for. But it’s important to remember the little things too. Or even the on-going things that maybe get forgotten.

Thank you for listening to me.

Thank you for making me smile.

Thank you for just being there.

I think it’s a huge part of the human psyche that we want, we need to be appreciated. The validation. The value of a ‘Thankyou’ is never depleted, you can say it again and again and it will mean as much to the recipient. Whether at work, with friends, in our relationships, or even with strangers. For something that means so much, it costs nothing… but two little words.

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Lesson 16. Never Give Up. But Know When to Quit.

I’ve always told myself ‘I’m not a Quitter!’

A lot of this stems from my family history and the hardships my ancestors had to endure. I always told myself that, I’m the modern world, my life could never be as hard, tough or difficult as theirs and if they managed to get through, then I should absolutely be able to! It’s led me to a number of situations, both positive and has made me realise there is a difference between quitting and giving up.

As a frequent runner, sometimes I have good days and bad days. Sometimes, the miles just disappear beneath you and you have energy left to burn. Others it’s a real struggle to even get started and, there’s always a temptation to finish early or not go out at all. I try to self-justify it with ‘I’m too tired’ or something or other, but the truth is that I made a plan, that is achievable, that I have control over, and I’m giving up. I then remind myself of my tough-ass forebears and get my sorry ass out the door, or to the finish line I had planned pre-run.

But sometimes, there are situations when it’s ok to quit. Where actually, stopping and aborting Is the smart thing to do. It’s often much harder to see this point. I often watch deluded entrepreneurs on Dragon’s Den who have sunk everything they have, risked their family home and the investments of friends and family into what is just an awful idea, awfully executed and think to myself ‘I wish they’d realised the quitting-point much sooner’.

Quitting is something we do when we don’t have control over a situation. Another great ‘quitting-point’ can be in a conversation or argument. You have no control over what the other person or party says or does and so you need to realise what the eight ‘quitting-point’ is for you and when to bail out for a better result.

In examples like Dragon’s Den, the quitting-point can be hard to see because we believe we are in control of the circumstances and thus quitting would be giving up. But we aren’t in control of funds we don’t have, we aren’t in control of other people’s perceptions of our brands or products and sometimes we just have to admit that it may be a bad idea.

So, whilst I’ve known for a long time that I’m the type of person who never gives up, more recently I’ve come to realise that sometimes, if circumstances are beyond my control, it’s ok to bail out, to quit for a better outcome.

Lesson 8. Be Gracious In Victory. Be Gracious In Defeat.

Last week I attended an awards ceremony for work. It’s an annual do where, over the past few years we’ve always done really well, surprisingly well, actually, against the odds, beating some of the bigger players in our market to some of the biggest awards.

I’ve always been really proud to pick up awards for my work, I mean, who isn’t? It’s great gratification for all the hard graft, creative ideas and teamwork and shows that both our industry and our customers think we’re doing a great job. It feels ace to walk up on that stage infant of your peers and to be crowned ‘the best’ at what you do.

Well, last week, I really let myself (and my team) down. Having been nominated for 3 awards, we picked up the first two and everything was looking great. Everyone was buzzing, the team were ecstatic and we were convinced that the third and final award we were up for, the most prestigious, was surely in the bag. But it wasn’t. We were pipped at the post by an arch competitor – and I was f**king furious.

Rather thank congratulate our competition on their win, I leered at them over on the next table, made sarcastic comments and accused them of foul play. How could they beat us? We know we’re the best at what we do, we’ve won this award the past two years and our standards haven’t slipped. The thing is, even if there was foul play, even if … whatever… there was no excuse for my behaviour. It was unprofessional and let myself and my team down.

To be honest, I think I was just so disappointed that our great work hadn’t been acknowledged and rewarded. I felt in some way that meant I had failed my team. It felt like failure and nobody likes failure. My team were brilliantly consoling, “we’ve still won two awards”, “it’s still really great” etc But I compounded that with my reaction and, having reflected over the past few days, I can now see that basically, I was just a sore loser. And I regret it.

What I should have done is congratulate our competitor and tell them we’d put up more of a fight next year. I didn’t, but I will. Because you can’t win all the time. Sometimes you won’t and yes, it’s crap, no-one likes to lose. But that’s part of life and if you behave like I did, you set a bad example and make yourself out to be a bit of a c**t to be honest. Whilst it hurts to lose, the winners deserve your congratulations and you know, why not make their win sweeter by saying “well done” than by trying to limit it – they’ve also worked hard, smart and together.

So next time you win, or next time you lose, be gracious. Don’t overdo the celebration if you win, but equally, don’t be too hard on your opponent (or yourself) if you lose. It’s all a part of life and over the course of your life these things will even themselves out. Where you can effect an imbalance is in how you behave towards others and if you can be a nice person 100% of the time, whether you win or lose, then you’ll always be a winner.

Lesson 5. Great Leaders Lead From the Front AND From the Back.

My wife recently had some issues at work with her manager. Long story short, her boss had absolutely zero management ability, leadership skills or the desire to achieve these things. It got me thinking about what makes a good leader, not just in the workplace but in general.

You always hear people saying that good leaders “lead from the front” and this is absolutely true. A GOOD leader sets the standard, leads from example and stands firm at the top of the team structure, shouldering the burden of the team and being the first one to nat away any issues that come along. They shouldn’t be afraid to roll their sleeves up and get their hands dirty.

But a GREAT leader, as well as leading from the front, also leads from the back. Whilst doing the above, they are there behind their team pushing them forwards, simultaneously showing them the way and then stepping back, allowing them to shoulder the responsibility , live the experience, and shine for themselves.

In my experience of leadership, it is leading from behind which is hardest. I’ll readily admit, I’m a bit of a control freak and ceding control, standing back and allowing my people to take control is difficult, but it can also be massively rewarding when it pays off. Which it won’t always. But that’s fine too. You need to allow your people to make mistakes and learn form them, otherwise how will they ever learn?

This is the absolute essence of good leadership, setting the standard, showing the way and then trusting your people to achieve. Getting ahead is not about taking the credit for the work your people do, but pushing the credit onto them, letting them see just how great a job they’ve done and then allowing them to pull you forwards at the same time.

This is part of the reason I get funny about my team referring to me as ‘boss’ or ‘manager’. I don’t ‘manage’ them and I certainly don’t boss them. I try to lead them – from front and back – so that they can achieve everything they are capable of and shine by themselves.

Lesson 3. Everybody Shits.

I’ll be honest, this is one that came from one of my colleagues and, even though it sounds like a re-hash of an old R.E.M song, it really resonated with me.

We were discussing an upcoming meeting with our CEO and I wanted to check in and make sure she was feeling confident about it. Her response… “Everybody shits”.

It’s so true. Nobody is so super-human or uber-special that they don’t shit. Just to break that down for you:

Your CEO shits.

Hollywood Movie Stars shit.

Glamorous beauty models shit.

Even Mother Theresa, Ghandi and Jesus used to shit.

And sometimes, those shits won’t be lovely one-wipe aces. Sometimes they’ll be horrible, sticky, smelly turds that take like 12 wipes.

We all suffer from imposter syndrome sometimes, believing that we’re not good enough or don’t deserve to be in the situation we find ourselves in. It’s not true. Don’t be overawed by anybody. You ARE good enough.

So next time you are in a situation where you feel nervous about meeting with someone, just remember, they may also be nervous about meeting with you, they’re only human and yes, they shit too!