mentalhealth

Lesson 18. Get Comfortable With Uncomfortable Conversations.

A colleague of mine passed away this week. Utterly tragic, gone long before he should have gone, he’s left a big hole in many peoples’ lives. It’s really sad and the whole company has felt the shockwaves, but one of my first reactions on hearing the news, was to reach out to his team, seek out the people he was closest to and offer them my condolences.

Why? Because I know how it feels to receive not just bad news, but horrible, life-changing news. To feel so sad that you can’t speak. To feel helpless and hopeless, not knowing where to turn or who to turn to. At times like that, we need people to reach out to us.

Around 10 years ago, following a routine surgery, I was called back to the hospital. I thought it was for a quick check up, but the news that followed affected the rest of my life. They had found a cancerous tumour in my body. I was speechless, literally unable to speak. It took me a long time to process; going through various stages of sadness, determination, helplessness. And it’s at times like that, when you are at your most vulnerable, that the people who really care, who really give a shit come to the fore. And, sadly, those who don’t care, fade away.

You see, everyone handles bad news differently. Some people want to talk about it. Others don’t. But if you don’t offer a friendly ear, then there’s no talking at all. You may not have all the answers. You may not know anything about it. But just being there to listen can mean the world to someone going through something they don’t know how to process.

And so, for the last 10 years or so, I’ve made sure that I get myself comfortable with having uncomfortable conversations. Because being there to listen to someone who is going through a shitty time, isn’t any where near as bad as actually going through what they are. Very few people approach these subjects head on, and I’ve found that by having these conversations, it’s really deepened my relationships with good friends, and also with people I’ve known less well, enriching my life too!

Because a short period of discomfort, of putting ourselves out there and saying “I’m not afraid to have this conversation with you and I’m here for you, whatever you’re going through” can mean the absolute world to someone and can be the difference in helping them overcome whatever it is they are going through.

So the next time a difficult, or uncomfortable situation occurs, rather than ignoring it, or just passing pleasantries, attack it head on. Let that person know you are there for them and don’t be uncomfortable about it. You’ll make a huge difference.

Lesson 15. Stop Trying To Hack Everything. Learn, Practice and Do It.

#LifeHack

You see this hashtag appearing more and more. All the great ways you can ‘hack’ difficult tasks in life. Sometimes, they can be helpful like ‘How to repair a puncture with a piece of chewing gum’ or ‘using vinegar to repel mosquitoes’. But increasingly (and somewhat despairingly), I’m finding they’re becoming ways to avoid learning how to actually do important things.

My 7 year old son recently told me that he could #LifeHack his shoes, tucking the untied laces under his foot – rather than doing the laces. I told him in no uncertain terms that he wouldn’t be able to tuck the laces under forever and that at some point, he’d need to put in the effort and learn how to tie his bloody shoe laces! I mean, what happens when he needs to tie the cord on his swimming trunks? He won’t be able to tuck that under anything and he won’t want them floating off in the swimming pool!

I know modern life is frantic, busy, and we all need to try and claw back as much time as possible. But for some things, there are just no life hacks – you need to learn, practice and just do it.

Lesson 14. People Do Change And It’s Ok To Change Your Opinion Of Them

We’re all homosapiens, intelligent beings with a hint of animal instinct. And what that means is that we think, we develop and we grow mentally. Our thoughts, values and beliefs can change. We don’t remain static and hopefully the direction of that growth is positive and changes who you are as a person in a good way as you go through life.

I know that, since I was a teenager and began to self-realise, I have changed dramatically but I look back and think that the ways in which I’ve changed have made me a better person. Of course, circumstances can change us too, for example, having young children has perhaps taken some of the ‘daring’ and ‘fun’ out of my personality, but I wouldn’t necessarily se these as bad changes. But overall, I’ve learnt and worked hard to be kinder, more empathetic, a better listener and calmer in difficult situations and I think I’m a better person for it.

But as we change, for good or bad, people may see us differently and that’s ok. And it works the other way around too, the way that you see the people in your life may change. This is especially prevalent with people we’ve known for a long time, perhaps especially since that time of raging teenage hormones and the beginning of our journey of self-discovery.

I have a friend whom I’ve known since my mid teens. He was always really kind and thoughtful, and there for me… and hopefully he felt the same about me. In the last few years, as young families have been thrown into the mix, I’ve come to like him less and less. He has become selfish and more obsessed with money and status, as I have become less so. This week, he did something very cruel after I had placed my trust in him. And I felt totally betrayed. It’s not something he would have done 10/15 years ago and is just another incident in what I see as a pattern of behaviour. He’s turned into, basically, not a very nice person.

Now, maybe I’m being harsh. Maybe I’m not seeing the bigger picture. But as people change, it’s also ok for us to change our opinions of them. We’re intelligent beings, but often we think too much with our hearts, rather than our heads. And so I came to realise that, with this friend, I love him deeply and always will, for the happy times and memories that we share. But I really don’t like him anymore. My opinion of him has changed and I hold the can for that.

And that’s where we are. Just because we’ve known someone for a long tine, and have happy memories together doesn’t mean we have to continue to like them or enjoy their company if we feel they’ve changed. We can change our minds. And we can change our minds back too. I’m loathe to cut my friend out entirely as, perhaps at some point in the future, he may change again, I may change, or I may change my opinion.

We need to be flexible, follow our current trail of thought and don’t be afraid to action it. Life is short, spend your time with the people who make you happy, not the ones who bring you down.

Lesson 13. Play It Safe And You’ll Never Win Big.

One thing I don’t think I’ve mentioned so far is that I’m a big fan of running. I enjoy strapping on a pair of trainers and heading out on the open road to be alone with my thoughts in peace and quiet while simultaneously challenging myself and (trying to) stay fit. I especially enjoy running when I go away, exploring new place, unknown trails and paths and experiencing running in different conditions is really fulfilling to me. And so, this anecdote is from my recent family holiday abroad…

A few weeks ago, during my regular Sports Massage, my therapist told me that my right ankle looked a big swollen. I hadn’t really noticed before that. I’d had a lazy few months, only managing to motivate myself for a few short runs a few weeks apart and so the ankle issue hadn’t really borne itself out. A few days later, I ran a 10k race and really pushed myself but, about half way into the race, I could feel my ankle causing me pain and after the race both the ankle and upper shin gave me a few days of grief. Nothing a week in the sunshine and some light rehabilitation runs couldn’t fix.

We flew out on holiday and on the third day I decided it was time to stop being a lazy bastard and get out there. At 7am it was already 25 degrees and I managed a lovely 4 miles along the coastal path, tracking the seas the whole way into the local town and back. Nothing too fast, just a nice plod.. the ankle felt ok.

A couple of days more on the sun lounger and over-indulging in the all-you-can-eat buffet and I decided it was time to head out again, but I wanted to find a different route. This time I set out away from the town, into the country. A nice paved path gave way to gravelled trail, which then turned into a rougher path. I’d only gone about 1km and wanted to get a few more under my belt before I turned back so I continued. The ‘path’ continued to denigrate, turning into a very uneven rocky (and steep) trail.

It was at this point I began to feel my ankle and thought that on this terrain it would be very easy to go over on it. If that happened, I’d be in trouble, miles from a road, up a hill and with no access to help. But I continued. You see, I was really enjoying myself. A new terrain, incredible views over the sea, the wind in my face. It was an adventure and I was loving it. And so, I put the thought of my ankle out of my head, tried to pick my footings really carefully and continued another 2km up the hill until I ran out of steam before turning back and picking my way back downhill (even more challenging!). It was incredible and absolutely a highlight of my holiday.

And so this is the point I want to make. If you always take the safe option, you’ll never live the highs. You’ll repeat the same lovely but slightly boring paved road along the sea into town day after day after day. You’ll never see or do anything new, anything that really makes you feel alive. You’ll never get to live for the journey without thinking only of the destination. Life will be fine but in order to win big, you need to stop playing it safe and take risks (even calculated ones). Over the last few months, I’ve had a number of friends fall seriously ill or die through illness. It’s made me even more determined to live big, take risks and experience as much as I can in the time I have, however long that may be.

The day after returning home from holiday, I went out for a run on the roads I’ve run a thousand times before and know like the back of my hand… and turned my ankle just around the corner from my house. Bloody typical! 🙄

Lesson 11. You’re Not A Robot. Give Yourself A Break.

In terms of ‘Lessons From My Life’, some are things I learned a long time ago and hold fast to. Others are more recent learnings – or even points I know I need to do more work on myself. This is one of the latter.

Today, my friend passed away after a short illness. It wasn’t someone I’ve seen very recently but during my teenage years, he was there, looking out for me and having a bigger impact than I realised at the time.

I received the news in my lunch hour by text message. My initial response, ‘Oh shit’, followed by extreme sadness. I stopped for a few moments and tried to take stock, but I had a load of work to complete before the end of the day and I tried to soldier through, in between moments of thought and grief.

At 2pm I had a meeting with some colleagues. They were late back from lunch and this angered me. Then, once they arrived and we started the meeting I was cold, sharp and, following critique from one colleague I got up and walked out. I just needed some space and to get out of there.

My point here is that grief, sadness, and many other emotions are real and we feel them and that’s ok. Often, and I’m especially guilty of this, we feel a stoic need to continue, to soldier on, to bury the emotion inside and put on the stiff (British) upper lip. Actually, what I should have done today was stop, give myself some time, excuse myself from the meeting and go and be with myself and my thoughts. It was my refusal to do this, to try and continue, to ‘be an emotionless robot’ which led to an escalation of my feelings and me having to leave the meeting.

So, don’t be a robot. Allow yourself to feel, experience and be led by your emotions. Give yourself a break. It’s ok to do that. And you may just find that although, at the time, it feels like you don’t need to do that, it may just stop things getting worse later on.