peopleskills

Lesson 17. Gratitude Is The Right Attitude.

Two little words… “Thank You”.

That’s all it takes to really brighten up my day. Two simple, powerful words that mean so much.

One of my biggest disappointments in life happened a few years ago. I’d had a girl in my team for whom I’d given more, both professionally and personally than I’d given any other team member. She’s moved South for the role and I went massively over-and-above to try and ensure she was happy. This included enabling flexible working so she could be closer her family, standing up for her after a huge error to ensure she didn’t lose her job, arranging for the company to pay her travel home to visit her family, being called on a number of occasions while she was in tears and providing a friendly and listening ear, and even giving her cash from my own wallet to buy flowers for her mother who was sick. Very few managers (I believe) would go so far for an employee, and very few employees would expect it.

I didn’t do it all for kudos, or for thanks. I did it because it was the right thing to do. Because I wanted her to be happy and settled during a time she was clearly struggling with. Because I wanted to be kind and show her that I cared. After a year with us, she left, having got another job back up North closer to her family. And on the day she left, she walked out the building and just said “ok, bye.”

“Ok. Bye.” That was it. It made me feel awful. Had I not done enough? Had I not tried her enough? What more could I have done? Two little words, the difference between making someone feel their efforts for you are not enough, or letting them know you appreciate them. Like I said, I didn’t do it for the thanks, but in that moment (and still), I felt very let down.

This week, out of the blue, I received a message from one of my current team thanking me for being an inspirational leader. I hadn’t done anything particular, it was unexpected and off-the-cuff but it brought a tear to my eye. To be thanked. To be recognised. To be appreciated.

Often, it’s the big things we thank people for. But it’s important to remember the little things too. Or even the on-going things that maybe get forgotten.

Thank you for listening to me.

Thank you for making me smile.

Thank you for just being there.

I think it’s a huge part of the human psyche that we want, we need to be appreciated. The validation. The value of a ‘Thankyou’ is never depleted, you can say it again and again and it will mean as much to the recipient. Whether at work, with friends, in our relationships, or even with strangers. For something that means so much, it costs nothing… but two little words.

.

Lesson 16. Never Give Up. But Know When to Quit.

I’ve always told myself ‘I’m not a Quitter!’

A lot of this stems from my family history and the hardships my ancestors had to endure. I always told myself that, I’m the modern world, my life could never be as hard, tough or difficult as theirs and if they managed to get through, then I should absolutely be able to! It’s led me to a number of situations, both positive and has made me realise there is a difference between quitting and giving up.

As a frequent runner, sometimes I have good days and bad days. Sometimes, the miles just disappear beneath you and you have energy left to burn. Others it’s a real struggle to even get started and, there’s always a temptation to finish early or not go out at all. I try to self-justify it with ‘I’m too tired’ or something or other, but the truth is that I made a plan, that is achievable, that I have control over, and I’m giving up. I then remind myself of my tough-ass forebears and get my sorry ass out the door, or to the finish line I had planned pre-run.

But sometimes, there are situations when it’s ok to quit. Where actually, stopping and aborting Is the smart thing to do. It’s often much harder to see this point. I often watch deluded entrepreneurs on Dragon’s Den who have sunk everything they have, risked their family home and the investments of friends and family into what is just an awful idea, awfully executed and think to myself ‘I wish they’d realised the quitting-point much sooner’.

Quitting is something we do when we don’t have control over a situation. Another great ‘quitting-point’ can be in a conversation or argument. You have no control over what the other person or party says or does and so you need to realise what the eight ‘quitting-point’ is for you and when to bail out for a better result.

In examples like Dragon’s Den, the quitting-point can be hard to see because we believe we are in control of the circumstances and thus quitting would be giving up. But we aren’t in control of funds we don’t have, we aren’t in control of other people’s perceptions of our brands or products and sometimes we just have to admit that it may be a bad idea.

So, whilst I’ve known for a long time that I’m the type of person who never gives up, more recently I’ve come to realise that sometimes, if circumstances are beyond my control, it’s ok to bail out, to quit for a better outcome.

Lesson 9. True Friendship Isn’t Complicated. It’s Just About Being There.

Our friends are such an important part of our life. Sometimes they make us feel so good. Sometimes they can make us feel so bad. Sometimes we question our friendships. But something I’ve learned over the last year is that friendship really isn’t complicated. It’s not a matter of measuring ‘gives’ and ‘takes’. It’s just about being there… when it really matters.

A year ago, my best friend of nearly 25 years fell out with me. I still don’t know why. Something happened over the summer, I assume it was through something I said over a text message but, as he still hasn’t told me, I can’t be sure. I was upset, we’d been best mates for a long time, he’d been best man at my wedding, was god-father to my two children, and I felt put out that he wouldn’t even tell me what I had done to upset him and give me the chance to make it right. I was upset, then confused, then a bit angry to be honest and for a number of months, we barely spoke.

Eventually we did meet up and he told me some bad news (completely unrelated to why he had fallen out with me) – his dad was really ill. And it struck me then, that in friendships there are always going to be ups and downs, highs and lows. We’re human beings for god’s sake, we’re not robots. Things will happen that may throw things out of kilter a bit but true friendship is all about being there when it really matters. And so I told him that. I told him that whatever had come before was now irrelevant and that I was here. Whatever he needed, I would be there. To listen. To cry. To help physically. Whatever he needed, I. AM. HERE.

And that is the essence of friendship. Sometimes we can be overly critical of ourselves, being a bad friend for forgetting a birthday or for not being bothered to go to an event they organised or something similarly meaningless. At the end of the day it’s all irrelevant. As long as you are there when they need you, no matter what, no matter when, you are a good friend.

Another friend, when I recently told him of some bad news within my family, basically brushed it aside and I haven’t heard from him since. This is the opposite of what friendship should be and is one I would now actively like to try and phase out. (Im planning to write more about this at some point!) I want to spend my days with the people that matter, not those who don’t.

Sometimes, when bad things happen, we curse our luck. But it is a great way to see the people that genuinely care about us stand up and those who don’t disappear into the woodwork.

There can be few stronger words than ‘I’m here for you’ when they are truly meant.

Think about your friendships. What are the times you’ve been there for your friends? Are there times when you should have been there but let your friend down? Who has been there for you?

Lesson 5. Great Leaders Lead From the Front AND From the Back.

My wife recently had some issues at work with her manager. Long story short, her boss had absolutely zero management ability, leadership skills or the desire to achieve these things. It got me thinking about what makes a good leader, not just in the workplace but in general.

You always hear people saying that good leaders “lead from the front” and this is absolutely true. A GOOD leader sets the standard, leads from example and stands firm at the top of the team structure, shouldering the burden of the team and being the first one to nat away any issues that come along. They shouldn’t be afraid to roll their sleeves up and get their hands dirty.

But a GREAT leader, as well as leading from the front, also leads from the back. Whilst doing the above, they are there behind their team pushing them forwards, simultaneously showing them the way and then stepping back, allowing them to shoulder the responsibility , live the experience, and shine for themselves.

In my experience of leadership, it is leading from behind which is hardest. I’ll readily admit, I’m a bit of a control freak and ceding control, standing back and allowing my people to take control is difficult, but it can also be massively rewarding when it pays off. Which it won’t always. But that’s fine too. You need to allow your people to make mistakes and learn form them, otherwise how will they ever learn?

This is the absolute essence of good leadership, setting the standard, showing the way and then trusting your people to achieve. Getting ahead is not about taking the credit for the work your people do, but pushing the credit onto them, letting them see just how great a job they’ve done and then allowing them to pull you forwards at the same time.

This is part of the reason I get funny about my team referring to me as ‘boss’ or ‘manager’. I don’t ‘manage’ them and I certainly don’t boss them. I try to lead them – from front and back – so that they can achieve everything they are capable of and shine by themselves.