relationships

Lesson 14. People Do Change And It’s Ok To Change Your Opinion Of Them

We’re all homosapiens, intelligent beings with a hint of animal instinct. And what that means is that we think, we develop and we grow mentally. Our thoughts, values and beliefs can change. We don’t remain static and hopefully the direction of that growth is positive and changes who you are as a person in a good way as you go through life.

I know that, since I was a teenager and began to self-realise, I have changed dramatically but I look back and think that the ways in which I’ve changed have made me a better person. Of course, circumstances can change us too, for example, having young children has perhaps taken some of the ‘daring’ and ‘fun’ out of my personality, but I wouldn’t necessarily se these as bad changes. But overall, I’ve learnt and worked hard to be kinder, more empathetic, a better listener and calmer in difficult situations and I think I’m a better person for it.

But as we change, for good or bad, people may see us differently and that’s ok. And it works the other way around too, the way that you see the people in your life may change. This is especially prevalent with people we’ve known for a long time, perhaps especially since that time of raging teenage hormones and the beginning of our journey of self-discovery.

I have a friend whom I’ve known since my mid teens. He was always really kind and thoughtful, and there for me… and hopefully he felt the same about me. In the last few years, as young families have been thrown into the mix, I’ve come to like him less and less. He has become selfish and more obsessed with money and status, as I have become less so. This week, he did something very cruel after I had placed my trust in him. And I felt totally betrayed. It’s not something he would have done 10/15 years ago and is just another incident in what I see as a pattern of behaviour. He’s turned into, basically, not a very nice person.

Now, maybe I’m being harsh. Maybe I’m not seeing the bigger picture. But as people change, it’s also ok for us to change our opinions of them. We’re intelligent beings, but often we think too much with our hearts, rather than our heads. And so I came to realise that, with this friend, I love him deeply and always will, for the happy times and memories that we share. But I really don’t like him anymore. My opinion of him has changed and I hold the can for that.

And that’s where we are. Just because we’ve known someone for a long tine, and have happy memories together doesn’t mean we have to continue to like them or enjoy their company if we feel they’ve changed. We can change our minds. And we can change our minds back too. I’m loathe to cut my friend out entirely as, perhaps at some point in the future, he may change again, I may change, or I may change my opinion.

We need to be flexible, follow our current trail of thought and don’t be afraid to action it. Life is short, spend your time with the people who make you happy, not the ones who bring you down.

Lesson 12. Silence Is Golden.

When I was 13 years old, I was sent away to boarding school by my parents. It wasn’t a bad thing; I was unhappy, probably slightly depressed and getting away felt like a new start. The school I went to was a Quaker school, founded by the Religious Society of Friends in the early 1800’s.

For those who don’t know, Quakers are a strand of Christianity who believe that there is an element of godliness in every person rather than a specific god per se. Their core beliefs are kindness, equality and peace. The reason this is important is that, in line with Quaker tradition, every morning at school, 6 days a week (yes, we had school on a Saturday!) we had a ‘meeting’, a short-ish period of ‘worship’ where congregants sit in silence for around 30 minutes. Anyone can minister, stand and share their thoughts or a reading etc, but essentially you sit there, quietly, with your thoughts in the company of others doing the same.

As a jumped-up teenager, I found this dull. Sitting in silence isn’t exciting. It’s not chatting football with your mates. It’s not chasing girls. It’s not gossiping about who from the year above got off with someone from the year below at the school disco. Sitting in silence is boring.

Fast forward a year or 20 and my life is manic. Juggling a busy and stressful job, two young children, a household, a side-hustle of teaching, various mentoring gigs, and so on. I run at a frantic pace and there is rarely time to sit and have a cup of tea, never mind anything more substantial.

When my Grandmother passed away a few years ago, something happened. I don’t know what. I happened to walk past a Quaker Meeting House which advertised their service times on the door. I decided to go, having not attended a Meeting in many many years. Suddenly, I was greeted by warmth. I was sat there, in silence, accompanied by around 15 others and it was wonderful. Thoughts of my Grandmother came flooding back to me. I cried. And I realised that, with all the hassle of her funeral, work and a load of other stuff I had going on at the time, I hadn’t had time to grieve properly… and it all came out there and then. I went back a few more times, sat in silence, entertained the thoughts in my head, enjoyed the memories that came back to me and found it a wholly fulfilling experience.

I’ll be honest, once again, life kind of got in the way and the normal mania resumed. Recently I had the chance to attend another Quaker Meeting and again, the peace, serenity and just time to stop, think, reflect and remember was such an incredible experience that, for someone who doesn’t believe in God, I think it comes as close to ‘being with God’ as I could ever come.

In modern life we rarely ever have time where we genuinely stop and have nothing else to do. We have quiet periods of time in the day where perhaps we are commuting or waiting for an appointment, but there’s always something else going on. We never really have time to stop, clear our minds and focus on us, let our minds wander and our thoughts drift. I highly recommend it and it’s something we all need to do more often.

They say that ‘Silence is Golden’… it really is. Embrace it.

Lesson 2. Don’t Be Afraid Or Embarrassed To Show LOVE.

LOVE is a big word and I think people often give it far too much attention. In many peoples’ minds, LOVE is saved only for the most special, our life partner, our children, etc. But actually, you can LOVE many people; friends, colleagues and more distant family members.

I think sometimes we can be too reticent to show people we LOVE them. We can feel afraid that maybe they don’t reciprocate the feeling or embarrassed in case other people judge us for expressing ourselves.

Here’s an example; I grew up in a culture where it was perfectly normal for men to kiss each other. I would kiss my dad, grandfathers, uncles etc in the same way that I’d kiss my mother, grandmothers, aunties etc. I know that in more traditional British families, grandfathers especially were greeted with a handshake and nothing more, but in my family, we kissed. As I grew up, I became increasingly aware of this and started to feel embarrassed. I didn’t want to kiss male relatives any more and shied away from more physical contact because I was afraid that friends and contemporaries might make fun of me. Looking back now, I realise this was stupid, but especially as a child, you don’t want people taking the piss out of you if you can avoid it.

Now that I’m older and wiser, I’ve spun right the other way. Realising that we’re not on this planet for that long and that it’s important to let people know how you feel about them, I’ve taken to letting people know that I LOVE them. I kiss male relatives and even my closest male friends, it just feels natural that when you greet a good friend, you want them to know just how pleased you are to see them.

At work, I understand it’s important to maintain more professional boundaries, so I don’t kiss my colleagues but I show them LOVE in other ways; asking how they feel, small, thoughtful gifts when it’s appropriate, etc. Yes, it’s a different kind of LOVE, but I spend so much time with these people and I want them to know that I LOVE spending time with them and that they mean something to me. They’re not just machines doing a job, they’re people. And very special people at that.

Ultimately, I believe that you get what you give. If you are happy and proud to show and tell the people that you LOVE how you feel about them, then they will return that LOVE. It will make you feel happier, freer and will only serve to enhance your relationship. Think about it. Then go and tell somebody that you LOVE them.