religion

Lesson 12. Silence Is Golden.

When I was 13 years old, I was sent away to boarding school by my parents. It wasn’t a bad thing; I was unhappy, probably slightly depressed and getting away felt like a new start. The school I went to was a Quaker school, founded by the Religious Society of Friends in the early 1800’s.

For those who don’t know, Quakers are a strand of Christianity who believe that there is an element of godliness in every person rather than a specific god per se. Their core beliefs are kindness, equality and peace. The reason this is important is that, in line with Quaker tradition, every morning at school, 6 days a week (yes, we had school on a Saturday!) we had a ‘meeting’, a short-ish period of ‘worship’ where congregants sit in silence for around 30 minutes. Anyone can minister, stand and share their thoughts or a reading etc, but essentially you sit there, quietly, with your thoughts in the company of others doing the same.

As a jumped-up teenager, I found this dull. Sitting in silence isn’t exciting. It’s not chatting football with your mates. It’s not chasing girls. It’s not gossiping about who from the year above got off with someone from the year below at the school disco. Sitting in silence is boring.

Fast forward a year or 20 and my life is manic. Juggling a busy and stressful job, two young children, a household, a side-hustle of teaching, various mentoring gigs, and so on. I run at a frantic pace and there is rarely time to sit and have a cup of tea, never mind anything more substantial.

When my Grandmother passed away a few years ago, something happened. I don’t know what. I happened to walk past a Quaker Meeting House which advertised their service times on the door. I decided to go, having not attended a Meeting in many many years. Suddenly, I was greeted by warmth. I was sat there, in silence, accompanied by around 15 others and it was wonderful. Thoughts of my Grandmother came flooding back to me. I cried. And I realised that, with all the hassle of her funeral, work and a load of other stuff I had going on at the time, I hadn’t had time to grieve properly… and it all came out there and then. I went back a few more times, sat in silence, entertained the thoughts in my head, enjoyed the memories that came back to me and found it a wholly fulfilling experience.

I’ll be honest, once again, life kind of got in the way and the normal mania resumed. Recently I had the chance to attend another Quaker Meeting and again, the peace, serenity and just time to stop, think, reflect and remember was such an incredible experience that, for someone who doesn’t believe in God, I think it comes as close to ‘being with God’ as I could ever come.

In modern life we rarely ever have time where we genuinely stop and have nothing else to do. We have quiet periods of time in the day where perhaps we are commuting or waiting for an appointment, but there’s always something else going on. We never really have time to stop, clear our minds and focus on us, let our minds wander and our thoughts drift. I highly recommend it and it’s something we all need to do more often.

They say that ‘Silence is Golden’… it really is. Embrace it.

Lesson 7. When It Comes To Charity, Give What You Can When You Can And Don’t Worry About When You Can’t.

We’re very lucky that we live in a privileged world, certainly compared to that which our parents and grandparents lived in. But that doesn’t mean everyone is in the same boat and there are many, many great causes to support, but you can’t support them all.

In financial terms, life can ebb and flow. Sometimes we have a bit more or a bit less. Some months, I really struggle to balance the books and come the end of the month I’m scratching around trying to pay my tube fare to work. Other months, I have a surplus and might be able to save a bit away.

When it comes to charity, my view is to always do what you can when you can – and don’t feel guilty when you can’t. It’s quite alright to say, ‘sorry, no’ if someone is asking you for money.

It’s up to each individual to decide the causes that matter to them. For example, having never owned pets etc, animal charities aren’t really my thing but instead I support a number of health-related causes. I always like to support the causes my friends and family support as it shows love to them too and so a lot of my charity donations come in the form of sponsorships for marathons, swims, etc or backing charitable events that my friends have organised. Even small gestures like, for example, when my son’s school ask for a contribution towards a school trip, I always pay double so that another child whose family would not be able to afford it can still go. Small gestures, when you can.

And on top of that, there’s time and skills. Most charities, especially smaller ones rely on volunteers to run, so even if you don’t have cash to spare, you can still make a valuable contribution.

As I said earlier, there are so many charities, good causes and others vying for our attention and funds. It can become exhausting. But charity is so important, not just for the charities which benefit but for the benefactor too. To contribute to good causes and give something back to society, even in a small way is wholly rewarding and can benefit the soul in ways you never knew possible.

Lesson 6. Whatever It Is You Believe In, Never Lose Your Faith.

I grew up in an observant and relatively religious Jewish home, attending synagogue, religion school and other religious events on a weekly basis. Judaism was drummed into me from an early age and it was a huge part of my life as I grew up, not really questioning why that was. As I got older and more inquisitive, I began to realise that I didn’t believe in god and turned against the religion and people I had been born into – not actively anti, but it just wasn’t something that mattered and I was more interested in finding new experiences, seeing friends and having fun.

Since I had children however things have slowly started to revert, and although I still absolutely class myself as an Atheist (not even Agnostic) the traditions and customs of my people have become increasingly important to me. My faith has returned.

I understand of course that the very term ‘faith’ refers to ‘faith in a god’, but to me it’s more than that. It’s faith in life, faith in the goodness of people and community, faith that my family will be there to support me no matter what.

My grandmother passed away recently and I returned to the town I grew up in for the funeral. Of course, the many Jewish customs and traditions around death and mourning were employed such as holding the funeral as soon as possible after death – in this case, within 22 hours! The principal mourners hold a period called ‘shiva’ or ‘seven’ where for 7 days they don’t leave the home and instead are visited by members of the community who bring food and comfort during this time.

All of these customs are designed to help the mourners overcome their initial grief, so the fast turnaround time is the equivalent to ripping off a plaster, getting the funeral out of the way so that the process of overcoming grief can really commence. The period of ‘shiva’ ensures that mourners are not alone and that they are looked after during this difficult period and it’s really incredible how the whole community rallies round, I can’t tell you how many plates of food were delivered to my Parents’ home in the last few days!

And so back to faith. Although I don’t believe in god, nor have faith that prayer or similar will change my path, at this difficult time I took great comfort in embracing the traditions that my people have carried out for generations. I found that it provided me with a comfort, a framework where I knew what the rules were at a time when I felt more vulnerable. Little things like preparing a plate of food can mean so much to the people receiving it, particularly in times of grief. A support on the foundations built in my childhood gave me strength, courage and faith to believe that life will continue, It will be good and that I could overcome my grief.

This post isn’t in any way supposed to be an advocacy for Judaism or it’s customs. Whatever your beliefs, you will have things you do, things you’ve done since childhood. In an increasingly modern world, we sometimes lose sight of these things as our lives get so busy and wound up in the day-to-day. So take time out, remind yourself of your core beliefs what make you who you are and never lose that faith, in whatever it is you believe in. Because faith is so important, especially at the times when, although we don’t always realise, we need it the most.