spirituality

Lesson 18. Get Comfortable With Uncomfortable Conversations.

A colleague of mine passed away this week. Utterly tragic, gone long before he should have gone, he’s left a big hole in many peoples’ lives. It’s really sad and the whole company has felt the shockwaves, but one of my first reactions on hearing the news, was to reach out to his team, seek out the people he was closest to and offer them my condolences.

Why? Because I know how it feels to receive not just bad news, but horrible, life-changing news. To feel so sad that you can’t speak. To feel helpless and hopeless, not knowing where to turn or who to turn to. At times like that, we need people to reach out to us.

Around 10 years ago, following a routine surgery, I was called back to the hospital. I thought it was for a quick check up, but the news that followed affected the rest of my life. They had found a cancerous tumour in my body. I was speechless, literally unable to speak. It took me a long time to process; going through various stages of sadness, determination, helplessness. And it’s at times like that, when you are at your most vulnerable, that the people who really care, who really give a shit come to the fore. And, sadly, those who don’t care, fade away.

You see, everyone handles bad news differently. Some people want to talk about it. Others don’t. But if you don’t offer a friendly ear, then there’s no talking at all. You may not have all the answers. You may not know anything about it. But just being there to listen can mean the world to someone going through something they don’t know how to process.

And so, for the last 10 years or so, I’ve made sure that I get myself comfortable with having uncomfortable conversations. Because being there to listen to someone who is going through a shitty time, isn’t any where near as bad as actually going through what they are. Very few people approach these subjects head on, and I’ve found that by having these conversations, it’s really deepened my relationships with good friends, and also with people I’ve known less well, enriching my life too!

Because a short period of discomfort, of putting ourselves out there and saying “I’m not afraid to have this conversation with you and I’m here for you, whatever you’re going through” can mean the absolute world to someone and can be the difference in helping them overcome whatever it is they are going through.

So the next time a difficult, or uncomfortable situation occurs, rather than ignoring it, or just passing pleasantries, attack it head on. Let that person know you are there for them and don’t be uncomfortable about it. You’ll make a huge difference.

Lesson 15. Stop Trying To Hack Everything. Learn, Practice and Do It.

#LifeHack

You see this hashtag appearing more and more. All the great ways you can ‘hack’ difficult tasks in life. Sometimes, they can be helpful like ‘How to repair a puncture with a piece of chewing gum’ or ‘using vinegar to repel mosquitoes’. But increasingly (and somewhat despairingly), I’m finding they’re becoming ways to avoid learning how to actually do important things.

My 7 year old son recently told me that he could #LifeHack his shoes, tucking the untied laces under his foot – rather than doing the laces. I told him in no uncertain terms that he wouldn’t be able to tuck the laces under forever and that at some point, he’d need to put in the effort and learn how to tie his bloody shoe laces! I mean, what happens when he needs to tie the cord on his swimming trunks? He won’t be able to tuck that under anything and he won’t want them floating off in the swimming pool!

I know modern life is frantic, busy, and we all need to try and claw back as much time as possible. But for some things, there are just no life hacks – you need to learn, practice and just do it.

Lesson 11. You’re Not A Robot. Give Yourself A Break.

In terms of ‘Lessons From My Life’, some are things I learned a long time ago and hold fast to. Others are more recent learnings – or even points I know I need to do more work on myself. This is one of the latter.

Today, my friend passed away after a short illness. It wasn’t someone I’ve seen very recently but during my teenage years, he was there, looking out for me and having a bigger impact than I realised at the time.

I received the news in my lunch hour by text message. My initial response, ‘Oh shit’, followed by extreme sadness. I stopped for a few moments and tried to take stock, but I had a load of work to complete before the end of the day and I tried to soldier through, in between moments of thought and grief.

At 2pm I had a meeting with some colleagues. They were late back from lunch and this angered me. Then, once they arrived and we started the meeting I was cold, sharp and, following critique from one colleague I got up and walked out. I just needed some space and to get out of there.

My point here is that grief, sadness, and many other emotions are real and we feel them and that’s ok. Often, and I’m especially guilty of this, we feel a stoic need to continue, to soldier on, to bury the emotion inside and put on the stiff (British) upper lip. Actually, what I should have done today was stop, give myself some time, excuse myself from the meeting and go and be with myself and my thoughts. It was my refusal to do this, to try and continue, to ‘be an emotionless robot’ which led to an escalation of my feelings and me having to leave the meeting.

So, don’t be a robot. Allow yourself to feel, experience and be led by your emotions. Give yourself a break. It’s ok to do that. And you may just find that although, at the time, it feels like you don’t need to do that, it may just stop things getting worse later on.